Time for a Clearout

Having just spent the better part of an afternoon trying to clear out a nine year old's room, it suddenly struck me how the same could be said of politics.

In four hours, I found many items, some of which I'd forgotten about, including: numerous wrestling figures (one headless), two hobbits (one minus an arm), a bar of chocolate so out of date it was growling, enough lego to rebuild the Forth Bridge and one of those "intelligent" robotic hamsters that WON'T-SWITCH-OFF!!!!

Just like some of our politicians..........

When a party loses power, the sensible course of action would be to have a major clearout, get some fresh blood in and keep the old warhorses in the background. But what has Labour done? A clearout? Nope. They've basically stuck to the same mob who were in before, even if their new leader has the appearance of a shell-shocked graduate trainee who was expecting to make coffee and break the photocopier. Meanwhile in Scotland, the leadership issue trundles along with as much direction as a submarine in the Firth of Clyde.

So we have our various wrestling figures (mostly headless); you may select your own hobbits; the political strategy is like the chocolate; and as for the hamster......well.......you decide.

Opposition Politics

If there is one thing that marks the Independence debate, it is the polarisation of the political camps, where the only argument is "Oh Yes We Are, Oh No You're Not".

This is no way for politics to be debated, and most certainly not with such a fundamental issue as independence.

In the "Yes" camp are the nationalists, primarily made up of the SNP, but with a few others as well. Any praise, however slight, for the Union is akin to heresey, and you can expect be to metaphorically burned at the stake, probably near the Wallace Monument at Midnight in Midwinter.

Over at the "No" camp, there is much disarray. But the message seems to be that Alex Salmond is the Spawn of the Devil, who intends to burn an independent Scotland to Hell.

Where is the debate? There is no middle ground. Nothing. Both sides are hellbent on holding their ground and refusing to give an inch. Even the Republican vs Democrat arguments over the budget in the USA found some common ground. Not here.

Judging by polls, there is a fair chunk of people who sit in the "Undecided" category when it comes to independence. These people can go either way, and they most likely have a lot of questions for both sides. Not only that, the voters who have a definite "Yes" or "No" also want answers, as to what happens if things don't go their way.

But the answers are all the same: the "Yes" camp always tell how it will be Utopia come Independence, whereas the "No" camp describe independence as the first step on a slippery slope to Oblivion. Even on the Internet blogs it is much the same, with few sites finding some common ground.

The politicians seem to be fearful of discussion, albeit most of the fear seems to be on the Unionist side. It is a ridiculous state of affairs. The politicians have to lead the debate, not react to polls or scandals or economic problems.

It's about time our politicians remember that they serve the voters, not their political parties. The future of Scotland is at stake.

Another One Bites the Dust...............

Well, Foxy Fox has gone, this week's Least Surprising Event.

His efforts to help his Bestest Friend Ever has failed, and he must now relinquish the reins of office and return to the backbenches. But never fear, Liam. David will find you another job once he thinks everyone has forgotten. In fact, Oliver Letwin has ridden to the rescue by demonstrating the correct use of a refuse receptable in a public place, and he made sure he got plently of publicity. Well done, Oliver. But no, you can't play with Liam's soldiers now he's gone. There are rumours that Oliver has took on an adviser who has suddenly found himself with some spare time on his hands.

In Europe, the G20 (the world's 20 most debt-ridden countries, I think) are meeting with the Eurozone Debt Specialists, to advise them how to lend Greece another few hundred billion Euros. Rather than try to actually get the Greek Government to collect taxes properly, they have given them the economic equivalent of a John Bull Printing Set and told them to make their own.

Perhaps they should seek the advice of a certain A Werritty, who has extensive experience as an adviser to government ministers in feathering their own nests getting paid money to do bugger all.

Terror in Braehead

The world of retail was shocked today as a terrorist attack was narrowly prevented by the actions of a brave security guard.

The guard, now moved to a secret location (insiders say the Atlantic Ocean) received a tip-off that a man armed with a mobile phone and a four year old girl, was about to take an electronic image of the shopping centre, msot likely as a reconnaissance for a major attack.

The target was believed to be an ice-cream parlour, and pictures obtained from the perpetrator shows shocking  images of a young girl eating ice-cream. Social services and the Scottish  Branch of the Jamie Oliver Healthy Eating Special Investigation Brigade were alerted.

Two members, believed to be from the Police, interviewed the perpetrator and have considered charging him with terrorism, illegal photography and giving a child sweets before teatime.

Thankfully, the matter was dealt with speedily and we can all rest peacefully in our beds.

Until the next time............

Keep calm and carry on........

Is There a Doctor in the House?

The cunning Dr Fox is in a spot of bother. Having retired from the stressful life of presenting the Top 40, he moved into a quieter role as Defence Secretary in David Cameron's Conservative Government, working alongside the whipping boys policital partners, the Lib Dems.

But his Best Friend, Adam Werritty, has been with him all along, looking after his business interests Dr Fox's welfare and advising him on the best opportunities for Adam's business Dr Fox's policies.

Mr Werritty apparently does not hold the required security clearances, but he's promised that he won't tell anyone cross-his-heart-hope-to-die.

Mr Cameron has expressed his "full confidence" in his Defence Secretary, which is political-speak for the phrase "tear a new arsehole".

Joking aside, this is yet another example of what most people would consider ministerial abuse. Cabinet level politicians are not there to help their friends (or themselves), but are supposed to be serving the country. You cannot have a businessman/woman using taxpayer-funded ministerial trips in order to develop their private affairs.

Oh well, I suppose Liam Fox could return to medicine, and Adam can dress up as a nurse and assist him.......

We'll Fight on the Beaches.......

Well, David Cameron has given a highly demotivational speech to the faithful.

He urges the country to pay off their credit cards, show some fight in the face of economic turmoil and to invoke the British spirit. The mere mention of the word "British" has the cybernats massing on the border of England. Or these days, trying to breach the firewalls of the propagandist BBC.

Cameron obviously thinks he's Winston Churchill. To the rest of us, he's as substantial as Churchill the dog from those insurance adverts. When you have a few million in the bank, it's easy to invoke the fighting spirit. He's looking at Blair's example, fighting his way around the world and defeating the economic problems, or at least solving his mortgage repayment issues.

Meanwhile, there are serious issues with immigrant cats who have committed crimes (such as bringing in a half-dead bird to play with). Theresa May has informed us that we cannot deport the said feline thanks to little-known clauses in the Human Rights Act. She wants to get rid of the HRA in order to get rid of those troublesome pussycats.

Back in the real world, the Scottish Government has obtained an icebreaker in preparation for winter.

How the hell they will get a 40,000 ton ship down Sauchiehall Street is going to be interesting.......

Uncovering the Truth

Well, it happened quicker than I thought, but some clever sleuth discovered my secret identity, so it looks like the world will find out that the superhero Barbarian of the North (ie me), will either have to look for another suitable heroic name or simply pretend nothing happened. I'll opt for the latter choice, since that is what most politicians tend to do.

Labour for instance. They have just had their conference, and what a disaster excellent one it was too - if you are a Labour fanatic. Ed and Edd (where is Eddy?) both made mind-numbing highly motivational speeches - for their opponents. Mr Milliband confirmed his demise with a rambling oration which had less substance than the Greek economy.

Meanwhile, Ms Goldie has asked the First Minister for a date. A bit of Holyrood scandal perhaps? The media hacked watched intently, only to find that Alex is still considering the decision, and perhaps is now considering how to explain this one to Mrs Salmond.

Bad news for drinkers as Prohibition Scotland starts, with special offers now banned. How the bootleg vodka drinkers will react is unclear, but then since their thought processes are in a similar state who knows. Comments that the Lib Dems are affected are totally without foundation and it is an allegation made by a Big Boy Who Ran Away (just in case any lawyers are reading).

But the evil progressive health policies of the Scottish Government may take another turn. Denmark is taxing foodstuffs which contain high levels of saturated fat. Rumour control has it that it is being considered here. Implemented in Scotland, the debt crisis will be no more.......